Remembering and Expecting

I know it's been awhile since I have posted on here. I'm back into a routine and will get back on top of it. I promise.

Well it’s a new year, a time to look back and look forward. I can’t believe how time has flown by; it’s been almost two and a half years since I moved here. I started the new year of 2008 wondering when I would move to Costa Rica, how would I learn Spanish, what will my job look like, what will life be like? The questions went on and on.

I moved here with what I thought was survivor’s Spanish but found out quickly that I really didn’t speak any. Yes, I could ask a few essential questions but I didn’t understand the response. I could tell you a few basic things about me, but that was the extent. I came to this realization in my first hour in Costa Rica when I was dropped off at my Tico home and with a lady who spoke no English.

I remember that culture shock hit me that very day. It was the very hand of God that kept here during those first two days. I wanted nothing more than to return home to the States and return back to my life. I also remember during those days that the Lord gave me sweet reminders of His love for me. Even as I flew over Costa Rica for the very first time, I asked God if He was really sure about this and if I heard Him wrong. At that moment, I looked out my window and we were flying over a majestic rainbow. (God uses rainbows in my life as a kiss from Him. They always come when I need a gentle reminder of His love for me.)

I started a year of language school and made many friends who now live all over the Spanish speaking world. I actually learned Spanish! Praise God. Learning a new language is a whole blog of its own. You learn quickly to laugh at yourself, all the time. You think you are sounding pretty good at this Spanish thing, until in class you learn a new verb tense and that what you have been saying all along has been wrong and in reality you sound like a 5 year old speaking. Really, a 5 year old sounds better than you. Yet sadly I have found that I continue to have to laugh at myself.

In October of 2009, I started my work at Renacer. I thought I had an idea of what I’d be doing but it all changed over and over. The basics were there but they were different. I ended up observing groups for almost 3 months before I was able to begin some of my work. I also found out quickly that Spanish out in the real world and with teenagers was completely different. At first, I wondered if I even really understood Spanish.

The last year and three months have been anything but expected. It has been a crazy rollercoaster that I would love to get off. As I began ministry, the enemy really stepped up his attacks on me. I found myself without many friends, since all my friends from school had moved to their countries of ministry. I found myself alone, sad, confused, stressed and ready to pack up the bags and return to the States on many different occasions.

Thankfully God has kept me here and has grown me. I have grown in ways that I could never have imagined. Living life in ministry and in another country changes a person. It can change a person for the bad or for the good. I pray that the changes He has made in me are for the best. I have been confronted with challenges, some days it feels like one right after the other. But God has grown me in my view of Him, although that view is one that is still too small and needs continual growth.

I have been stretched in ways that I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it through without giving up. My friends have heard me say on many occasions “Why can’t God just leave me alone for a few and let me rest and recover?” Oh but thankfully He doesn’t. He knows what I need and can take.

I look back and see how God has been creating a beautiful garden from my ugly ashes. I am overwhelmed that He would use me to do His work and that I get to have front row seat to it all. How amazing. I am so undeserving.

I look forward now at the new year of 2011 wondering what God has in store for me. Could this be my last year here in Costa Rica? (Which is a whole mixed bag of feelings.) How will I even know? But thankfully that’s not even on the list to start thinking about yet.

I am excited that we will be beginning the Formación Cristana program next week. I’m excited to see how this structured environment for all phases will enrich the learning of who God is. I’m excited for the tender hearts of the girls that are here and are excited to start having Bible studies again. I’m excited that there will be new girls entering this campus to start new and transformed lives! Oh the beauty of it all.

I look forward to this year as the girls’ trade in their ashes for His beauty and continue the growth and fruitfulness of this garden, this forest that is growing from the heart of Renacer. What a treasure we have been given.

I can’t say I look forward to the battle that is raging around me for the lives of these girls and even in my own personal battles. But I do look forward to seeing more of the power of God and who God is as He reigns over these battles with His victory.

I look forward to the possibilities that lie ahead. I look forward to the transformation process in the lives of these precious young girls and even the transformation process in myself. I do not want to be the same. I also look forward to at least one friend coming down to visit me this year and the possibilities of others coming.

I enter this year with hope, excitement and a readiness for what God will bring. I enter with a heart full of aches and concerns but also with a heart that is growing more sensitive to God and His loving call of “Come and rest.” I enter this year with the desire that the person who enters the next year is a person who is constantly being transformed more and more into the likeness of our dear Savior. Oh this is my desire for the year.